Dear Cats....

I know the feline residents of our household were not pleased when I posted the following (received via e-mail) on the refrigerator door at their eye level.

Dear Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR CATS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture...
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1)eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Got it?

Changes

It's been a while.

I know both Ma an' Pa told you what I did. I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was because Miley spends so much time in Pa's lap. I'd do that too...if I remembered I like being in Pa's lap.

But that's not why I'm posting today.

The problem is that I'm not sure whether this was part of my punishment or if Ma an' Pa had been planning this for some time, but they did something that got me a bit miffed. And it wasn't just me that felt this way.

You see, they changed the arrangement of all the furniture in the living room and dining room! Everything's in a different place and I'm not sure I like it. What's worse is that they didn't even bother to ask us what we thought about it. They just did it.

How rude is that? They should have at least warned us before they moved everything.

At least nothing's missing as far as we can see.

That Was Mean!

Hilda's Pa promised I would explain what it is she did that warranted her being grounded for two weeks. It's about time I do just that.

I know Hilda has given all of you a rundown of the rest of the felines residing here with me and Pa. One of the last she introduced was Miley, a sweet little thing that took up residence with us early this past summer.

Miley's what we have come to call a handi-cat because she's missing a leg. That doesn't stop her from getting around but it does limit her from time to time, particularly when it comes to jumping up onto chairs, sofas, and beds. Most times we forget she's even missing a leg.

Now to the matter at hand.

Hilda, usually a sweet natured and affectionate cat, did something I'd never expect from her:

As Miley was walking past her she reached out and knocked Miley over for no reason! She was being mean to our little handi-cat and that's not something we tolerate around here.

It was for that reason we grounded Hilda for two weeks and wouldn't let her post or watch her favorite TV channel.

Now that she's finished her punishment and has stopped mistreating Miley we're allowing her to start posting again.

She's Been Naughty

In case you're wondering why Hilda hasn't written anything lately, she has a good reason.

She's been grounded.

Normally she's a sweet cat. Really, she is. But she was naughty and did something she shouldn't have to Miley. Not that she hurt her, but it wasn't nice. So the missus and I decided she wasn't going to be allowed to post or watch Animal Planet for two whole weeks.

I won't go into what it is she did. I'll leave that the missus. - Hilda's Pa

She's Going To Spoil It For All Of Us

It pains me to say this: Miley spoiled it for all of us.

Why do I say that? Because she'll climb up into Pa's lap or the round-headed cat's lap, make herself comfortable, and doze all while getting her ears scratched or her fur stroked. To make it worse, she'll be purring the whole time. And she'll do that for hours!

As much as I'd like to do the same thing for that long, I haven't been able to. At best I can manage 15 minutes. I mean I like being in Pa's lap and being brushed and having my chin scratched and all. But I don't fit on his lap very well. It's not that I'm fat because I'm not. (She isn't, really. She is very fluffy, but she's not fat. – Hilda's Pa) I'm just bigger than Miley and I have all four legs. Being a lot smaller than the rest of is and only having three legs she fits on Pa's lap better than anyone except maybe Minnie, and Minnie isn't all that interested in sitting in his lap. ( That's true. Minnie is not a lap cat. She's a shoulder cat, not unlike Miss-Miss. - Hilda's Pa)

Just yesterday Miley spent almost 3 hours in Pa's lap and another 2 in the round-headed cat's lap! She's going to spoil them and they'll come to expect it from all of us. All we want is to be petted, brushed, and to get scratched on our ears or under our chins once a day or so. We don't need to lie down on their laps to get all of that. But because of her we're likely to get less of it unless we're in Ma or Pa's lap. Thi isn't good at all.

First, she drinks from the toilet. And now this!

Way to go, Miley....

In The Wings

Hilda's been a bit busy, helping us get things squared away for the coming winter, so she's be remiss in updating everyone on the goings on around here. I have reminded her in between her daily brushings, naps, and rousing games of Can't Catch Me! She has assured me she's been working on a few ideas for her next couple of posts so we'll have to take her at her word.

I might be able to spur her on with a few of her favorite cat treats and a session with the Furminator.

I'm Shocked!!!

I know I've covered the various members of our household once already, though I didn't go into a lot of detail (I didn't want to bore you). But I have to tell you about something I saw that shocked me to the point where I didn't know what to do.

You see, it's Miley.

We all know she grew up in a house full of dogs. That means she's better at defending herself than most of the rest of us. But I think her time with those awful dogs has also given her some really bad habits. It's this that caused my fur to go limp with shock.

It was yesterday morning just as Ma was getting up out of bed that I saw it.

Miley was drinking water....out of the toilet bowl!!

That just isn't done!! It's something DOGS do, not cats!! This is something she obviously learned from those awful dogs she lived with before she came here. None of the rest of us do that!

This whole episode upset me so much that I started shedding and needed to be brushed three or four times yesterday! It was awful!!

I'm going to have to give her a strong talking to. She has to learn that kind of behavior isn't acceptable. We. Just. Don't. Do. That. It just isn't cat-like by any means.

It's Been A Little Crazy Around Here

It's been a little bit crazy around here the past few days, let me tell you!

First, the round headed cat has changed his schedule, waking up later in the morning than he has since last spring. He also comes back in from outside earlier than he has for some time. I have no idea why he'd do that! (Our son has gone back to school, meaning he gets up later than he does when he's working at the farm. He also gets home far earlier for the same reason. - Hilda's Pa)

Second, there were strange humans in the house today, making all kinds of noise around the big metal box that gives off such wonderful heat when it's cold outside. There were banging sounds and whirring sounds, it smelled like old burnt wood, and there was really fluffy dirt in the box too. (But the dirt wasn't nearly as fluffy as me!)

Pa and the round headed cat spent a lot of time in the garage stacking pieces of trees. Pa says the pieces will help keep us warm when it gets really cold outside. I like that. There's nothing more I like to do on a cold day than lying in front of the metal box to keep warm.

All the windows have been closed for days, making it difficult to lay in the sun. I don't know why Ma an' Pa do that when it's so nice and warm outside!

At least I haven't had to worry about being brushed. It's one of my favorite things next to eating, sleeping, and getting scratched under my chin. Brushing helps my fur to be nice and fluffy and keeps me from getting too many hairballs. Ma brushes me almost every day, and sometimes Pa does too. It's nice to be fluffy!

Miley

Now that I'm back to feeling like myself again I must tell you about the latest and last addition to the list of feline residents here.

Miley is a couple of years old and when she was a kitten some nasty person threw her out the window of a moving car. She was badly hurt and had to have one of her legs taken off by the vet to save her life. Despite only having three legs she gets around pretty well though she has a tough time jumping up onto window sills, tables, dressers, and beds. Sometimes Ma or Pa have to help her get where she wants to go if it's too high for her to reach.

We know she's a tough kitty because she grew up in a house with dogs! Living in a house like that gives her some advantages, particularly when it comes to dealing with Henry. Henry can be a bit of a bully at times, but Miley will have none of that. More than once she's put him in his place, driving him off and chasing him until he finds someplace high to perch where she can't get to him.

Another thing Miley learned while growing up with dogs? She's bilingual. She speaks both cat and dog!! [I can attest to that, hearing her 'woof' when she's hungry and wants to be fed. - Hilda's Pa]

While Miley isn't fluffy like me she's still cute. She has nice eyes and likes to flop just like Minnie. But unlike Minnie I think she flops because sometimes she forgets she's missing a leg and tries to stand on it.

I had to delay posting this because it was difficult for either Ma or Pa to get any decent pictures of Miley but Pa finally managed to snap a couple of quick ones so now you'll be able to see what she looks like.

And here's another one of her poking her head out of one of what Ma an' Pa call “cat condos”:

I've Been Sick

Pa figured it would be a good idea to write a brief message to let you all know I've been sick but that I'm much better now. I am missing some fur. (No, I won't post a picture showing where. I do have my dignity. But at least it wasn't in a thoroughly embarrassing place. The places they shaved give me something Pa calls "an asymmetrical look." I'm not sure what that means, but I don't like the sound of it.)

I'll be back to writing more important stuff in a day or two.

Some News

It's apparent to anyone reading Hilda's little blog that she hasn't posted for a while. This is because she was quite under the weather. In fact, we had to take her to the emergency veterinary clinic because she was so sick.

She was severely dehydrated due to some kind of intestinal ailment that made it impossible for her to keep down any food or water for over three days. She was given IV fluids and antibiotics, had a number of x-rays taken, and received other treatments there and at her regular vet the day following her admittance to the emergency care clinic.

I am happy to report that she is now home, looking and feeling much better. We're still keeping an eye on her, monitoring her food and water intake and making sure she's comfortable.

The only complaint we've heard from her is the indignity she suffered from having to have some of her fur shaved off in order for the vet to administer her meds and IV fluids.

Somehow we think she'll get over it.

-Hilda's Pa

Charlotte

The next member of the household I have to tell you about is Charlotte.

She's a Maine Coon Cat, just like me. She's also grumbly, meaning the only one she gets along with all the time is Pa. (Personally I think it's because she's old, like Bagheera. But she won't tell us how old she is.)

Charlotte was found by a friend of Ma an' Pa's in an abandoned house. Her family had moved out and left her behind to fend for herself. Ma an' Pa's friend, Julie, took Charlotte to her home to stay with her, but she didn't fit in all that well. You see, Julie has dogs! (How any self respecting person can think that dogs are better than cats escapes me.) So after a few weeks Ma an' Pa told their friend they'd take her in.

It's taken a long time for her to settle in, but she pretty much used to almost all of us now. The only exceptions are Cole and Henry.

Cole, being the nurturing kind of cat he is (at least Ma says so) has tried to play with her and groom her, but she's having none of that. Henry, on the other hand, has run and jumped at her every time he's had a chance. That might explain why she doesn't roam around all that much unless she knows where Henry is.

And something else a little weird about her: she sleeps in the kitchen! Ma an' Pa have even set up her bed on one end of the kitchen counter and that's where she sleeps. The kitchen is hers and she lets everyone know it. She even claims the window above the kitchen sink as hers, too! See what I mean?

She takes the whole window and won't let anyone else use it. That's not nice.

And another thing: she isn't nearly as pretty as me. She won't even let Ma or Pa brush her, meaning her fur is kinda ratty with all kinds of tangles and lumps. How silly is that?

See, here's a close-up of her. As you can see she needs a serious brushing!

Henry And Pip

I've already written a little about Henry and his unintended adventure, but I haven't told you about how he and his sister Pip came to be with us here.

Of all the kitties here, only Henry and Pip were found at the front door of a nice lady's home. She advertised on one of the Internet sites, trying to find them a good home. Ma saw the listing on her computer and called the lady up. The next day Pa brought Henry and Pip home.

I know how scary coming to a new home can be, particularly when there are already other kitties living there. But Henry and Pip were scaredy for a long time, hiding out under the big round-headed cat's bed. (Hilda is referring to our son, who has somehow been identified by the cats residing here as just a weird looking cat. Don't ask me how that came to be because I really don't know. - Hilda's Pa)

Eventually they warmed up, with Pip becoming best friends with Cole, and Henry becoming a strapping example of a bruiser – strong and solid. For his size he weighs a lot more than you'd think.

Pip is still easily startled and will run off at the slightest provocation, except when Pa is around. She really likes Pa and lets him pet her and scratch her behind her ears. Pa is the only one that can pick up Pip without her making a big fuss. (He usually does that when Pip has been unable to hop up onto the island in the middle of the kitchen during Wonderful Food Time because it's too crowded.)

Both of them are kind of funny when it comes to making trips to the veterinarian. (Hey, I spelled that right!) They have to go at the same time in the same carrier otherwise Henry gets really upset and gets really scared. As long as they're together everything's fine.

Here's a picture of Henry and Pip in the hammock, one of their favorite places. Pip is on the left and Henry is on the right.

Pip is a little unusual in a number of ways. For one thing she has thumbs! That means she can play the Nintendo Game Boy better than Bagheera, and he's not too happy about that. She also has spots rather than stripes, and a short tail. She's also kinda roundy-round (but we don't talk about that).

Minnie

It's time for me to continue introducing you to the members of our family, so let's get to it.

The next one I have to tell you about is Minnie. She's a shelter kitty just like me and Cole, but she came from a different shelter. Ma an' Pa found her a long way from here. She was only a few months old when she arrived at the shelter, being a kitty of divorce. At first Ma wasn't to sure about her but Pa was the one who convinced Ma to take her home.

She was skinny, with long legs, a long tail, big ears, and not a lot of fur. But she fit right in. Even though she's now fully grown she's still a bit wee, earning her the nickname of “Minnie-ature”, among others.

The one thing that everyone says about her is “She's nice!” because she is. Even Charlotte and Bagheera think so.

There are a couple of things that set her apart from the rest of us.

First, she flops. I mean she'll be walking along and then decide, for no reason I can figure out, to flop over on her side, waiting for someone to scratch her back or tummy. She does that a lot.

She's the only one of us that drinks out of the faucet. She doesn't like the water bowl or the magic water fountain. She has to drink from Ma an' Pa's bathroom faucet. Nothing else will do.

On cold nights she'll crawl under the covers of Ma an' Pa's bed and snuggle up to Pa's tummy or Ma's feet. She also likes to crawl on top of Ma's computer monitor when it's on to stay warm.

She's also the best of us at riding on Pa's shoulder. I'm pretty good, too, but she's the best at it. Cole likes to do it too, but doesn't do it very well and sometimes Pa has to help him stay in place.

See what I mean? Doesn't she look nice?

A Bionic Cat?

Now I've seen it all: a cat with bionic feet!

(I don't know what “bionic” means, but Pa said it had something to some silly TV show he used to watch as a teenager. Somehow I don't think Pa was ever a teenager!)

Understanding Us - Cat Physics

This is something Pa found that will help all of you out there to understand just how we felines interact with something Pa calls “the laws of physics.”

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All dark clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric and lightness of the cat.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter

I'd say that about sums it up.

Pa said he got this from someone called Bogie. From what he says she' a good sort because she has cats living with her. But she also has dogs, so I have to wonder if that's really so....

Cole

Sorry, but I've been a little distracted the past few days. But now I'm back and it's time to tell you about another of my fellow felines here at our house.

As I mentioned some time ago, Cole has been living here a little longer than me, arriving here from the same Humane Society shelter where Ma an' Pa found me, only a few months earlier. As Pa told me, “We didn't chose him. He chose us!”

He's funny and caring (or as Ma puts it, he's nurturing), making sure we're all taken care of. He even helps us clean our selves, grooming us when we're a little too tuckered out. He even does that to Ma an' Pa sometimes!

He's also too mischievous, getting into situations he shouldn't...but not too often.

One thing that's funny about him is that he's just got to know what's going on. He's constantly hopping up onto Ma or Pa's shoulders while they're doing something in the kitchen, peering over them trying to see what they're doing. It's always “What's that? Is it good? Will I like it? Can I try some? Let me see!!” from him. He's just plain silly.

But I like him anyways.

Henry Goes AWOL

Originally I was going to tell you all about Cole. But something happened that scared Ma an' Pa and had me worried, too.

You see, a couple of days ago Henry disappeared.

Tuesday morning he was with the rest of us in the kitchen, eating our morning morsels. Wednesday evening Pa realized he hadn't seen Henry for almost two days. He looked all over the house, under beds, inside closets, in the basement, everywhere, and he couldn't find Henry. Then he went outside and looked, calling his name over and over again. I could see Pa was getting worried.

You have to understand that Henry isn't supposed to be outside. It's too dangerous. As Ma an' Pa keep telling us, there are other animals outside that could hurt or even kill us! Only Bagheera goes outside and even then, only for a little while.

Finally, late Wednesday night, Pa heard Henry meowing. (Henry almost never meows. Even when he does, it sounds more like a little kitten's meow rather than a full grown kitty's meow.) Henry was outside! And he looked scared.

Pa opened the back door and Henry came running in and jumped right up into Pa's arms, meowing the whole time! Since then he's been a bit clingy to Ma an' Pa, but mostly Pa. That's just not like Henry. He's usually a little standoffish, allowing Ma or Pa to pet him every now and then, but that's it. Now he'll crawl up next to them when they're sitting down, butting his head up against them, and meowing the whole time. Something outside must have really scared him. If that's so, I don't think I want to go out there at all.

Besides, my fur could get all mussed out there and we can't have that! I have enough trouble keeping my fur fluffy as it is.

Oh, I almost forgot. This is what Henry looks like:



Henry's one of a pair of litter mates. His sister Pip also resides with us.

I'll write something about her later, I promise.

The Frustration

I don't know what to do. With all the humidity we've had here lately it's impossible for me to keep my fur fluffy. It just hangs limp and no matter how much Ma brushes me it won't fluff up.

Whatever will I do? I have standards, you know!

Maybe I'll have to convince Pa it's time to put the air conditioners into the windows. Then I won't have to suffer the shame of limp, listless fur!

Cast Of Characters - Bagheera

As I wrote before, Bagheera's the old guy in the bunch. I mean he's got to be at least 11 years old!

But even being ancient doesn't mean he's not an OK cat to be around. I mean, he does grumble a lot about the rest of us, in most having something to do with a “supper dish” and “interlopers” and the like. But for the most part he's all right. At times he even gives us advice, usually about handling the household staff. (Does he mean Ma an' Pa? Somehow I don't think they're 'household staff'.)

Anyways, here's a picture of Bagheera.



See what I mean. He's OLD!

Cast Of Characters

I know.

It's been a long time.

I've been busy.

But after talking it over with Ma and Pa, I decided it's time to start letting you in on the goings on around here. There have been a number of changes since the last time I wrote anything.

The biggest change is that we now have two more cats living here. I'll get to that in a minute. One thing I have to do first is introduce the other cats living here with me an' Ma an' Pa. So here goes.

First, there's Bagheera (also known as Bagheera The Magnificent on another blog). He's the old guy among us, constantly grumbling about the rest of us “young whippersnappers showing no respect to their elder.” I think he just enjoys complaining about us.

Next, there's Cole. He got here before me, but I don't hold that against him. As Ma says, he's the nurturer, making sure we're all clean.

Then there's Minnie. She's nice! She's also a bit wee, meaning she's kinda small. She also doesn't have much fur, at least not like me or the rest of us.

Minnie is followed by the twins, Henry and Pip. Henry's something of a bruiser, big an' strong, sorta. Pip is also a bit small like Minnie. She has spots, an' thumbs, and a short tail. She's also kinda roundy-round (But we don't talk about that!)

Now we're down the last two, Charlotte and Mylie.

Charlotte is a Maine Coon Cat just like me (but she's not as pretty or as fluffy). She joined us last year after a friend of Ma and Pa's found her all alone in a house where the family had moved away. She was all by herself and had been alone for over a month before she was rescued. She's kinda old like Bagheera and grumbles just like he does. Ma calls her “The Queen Of The Kitchen” because that's where she spends all of her time. She even sleeps there!

Mylie joined us just a little over a month ago. She looks a little funny because she only has three legs! (I try not to stare, but it's not easy.) Charlotte keeps telling me that she must have had it bitten off because she lived in a house with dogs! And not one dog, but three dogs! How horrible!

I promise to have pictures of them all the next time or two.

Bye for now!

It's Been A While...

Obviously Hilda's blog hasn't been active in almost a year. She's been busy with a whole host of things, including welcoming two new feline residents to her domicile.

After one of her nightly brushings she wondered (as only she can) whether it was time to end the drought and start posting tidbits about her life here in small-town New Hampshire. (I get the impression she was actually directing me to do so, something she's very good at doing.)

So after talking it over with the rest of the household staff, it was decided she was right.

I have a feeling the first post following this will introduce you to all the feline members of the household, with pictures included.

Please stay tuned...